Fiction Useless Inventions
The Second-Opinion Mirror
A full-length mirror that waits until you have walked away, then offers a short, studiously non-committal opinion on your outfit.
Fiction — invented for fun
Home Useless Inventions
Useless Inventions
Patent-pending solutions to problems no one has.
Useless Inventions presents devices that nobody needs and nobody has built: a kettle that whistles in Latin, silent bubble wrap, a mirror that gives a second opinion. Each one is described with the seriousness of a product launch, which is the joke.
They are invented — there is nothing to buy and no patent to look up. Each piece describes what the gadget does, the problem it solves (usually a very small one) and the ways it goes wrong. Every article is labelled Fiction and written with the help of AI, and new ones are approved by an editor before they are published. None has ever been built or tested, and some are almost tempting — which is the most dangerous kind.
Under the fun there is a real observation: the tiny annoyances of everyday life that nobody has fixed, because they are too small to fix. For inventions that really happened, including a few that began as failures, see How It Started — labelled Fact-based.
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Three good first reads, picked by the editor.
Articles
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Spare Button Archive
A walnut cabinet of forty-eight tiny drawers that files every spare button from every new shirt and coat so carefully that not one of them has ever been used.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Coaster That Is Never Where the Mug Lands
A cork coaster on tiny wheels that rolls a few centimetres aside each time you lift your cup, so the mug always comes down on the bare table, just as it would have anyway.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Biscuit Tin That Makes You Sign In
A handsome enamel tin with a tiny clipboard on its side, whose lid stays shut until you have written down your name, the time and the purpose of your visit.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Queue Chooser That Always Finds the Slowest Checkout
A clever little gadget clips onto your shopping trolley and guides you, with total confidence, to the one queue in the shop that is about to stop moving.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Jar Lid That Only Opens for the Second Person
A new jam jar lid stays firmly shut for whoever tries first and then twists off with a gentle turn the moment it is handed to someone else, exactly as everyone always suspected.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Tape Measure That Rounds Up Out of Kindness
A pocket tape measure that adds a little to everything it measures, so your sunflower, your child and your snowman always come out slightly taller than you hoped.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Photo Frame That Refuses to Pick a Favourite
A beautiful walnut frame that will not choose between the sixty-three nearly identical sunsets on your phone, so it shows you every single one of them, for ever.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Remote Control That Hides Itself
A television remote with rubber tracks and a clock inside, which drives itself into the gap between the sofa cushions every night at eleven, because that is where it feels safest.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Stapler That Asks If You Are Sure
A handsome desk stapler that will not fire a single staple until you have confirmed, twice, that you really do want these pages joined forever.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Fridge Light That Never Goes Off
A refrigerator that keeps its bulb burning day and night, so that nobody ever has to wonder again what happens in there once the door swings shut.